There are things the cereal companies don’t want you to know. Terrible, diabolical, apocryphal things. But we know the truth. Oh yes, we do. In this exclusive story, we go deep undercover to discover the hidden truth behind the great cereal conspiracy that plagues your favourite sugar-coated morning meal.
Our journalistic staff work hard for their money, which is great because if we ever decide to pay them we won’t feel like we wasted the money. They recently, through no small amount of Googling, uncovered a great cereal conspiracy that left the rest of us in the office with the wobblies. Or it might have been last night’s staff-party curry.
The conspiracy is so fearsomely fiendish, so dastardly devilish, so painfully poisonous — and alliteratively alluring — that we think you’ll be at least sort of glad you read through this bit to get to the end.
Suspenseful stalling aside, our
operatives agents journalistic team consumed several thousand bowls of cereal during their collective lifetimes in preparation for this article. Supposedly they’d have done so anyway, but we’ll clutch at anything to give this article some level of credibility.
So, what is this Great Cereal Conspiracy that we keep alluding to (mostly for the sake of good SEO)? Well, let me enlighten you, the discerning consumer of wheat, rice, oat, wood pulp, or other breakfast cereals.
Did you ever notice how, when you were younger, they had really great toys in cereal boxes? The thing was, you could only eat a finite amount of cereal before your little body was stuffed and sky-high on a sugar-fueled buzz. What we didn’t realise then was that the cereal companies had it all planned out. They knew that we’d grow up. They knew that one day we’d be able to consume enough cereal to make cereal-focused-toy-collecting a viable activity. And, when that day came, they simply pulled all the good toys from the boxes.
Yeah, I know, I’m fuming mad about it too.
If you enjoy food-based mysteries, please check out A Dinner to Die For, which is the player’s guide to How to Plan a Murder. It’s a fun game to play with friends, and the rules are intuitive and easy to run in large groups.